


A Spider's Thoughts

by russianspiderromanova



Category: Black Widow (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-11
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-08 08:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1130490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/russianspiderromanova/pseuds/russianspiderromanova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles featuring pieces of Natasha's life</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Natasha was in the gym, yet again avoiding her bed and a chance to sleep. She was tired of the Red Room triggers and nightmares. For some reason the battle of New York had brought them all back and she couldn’t seem to shake them, no matter what she did. 

"Are you going to stand there and stare at me all night, Barton?" She asked, pausing for a moment to address her partner, however, she didn’t turn around to face him. She couldn’t, she didn’t want him to see that she had been crying…again. Something else she was getting really tired of doing. 

Clint didn’t say anything, instead he moved up behind her and put his arms around her. “Come to bed with me, Nat,” he whispered in her ear. “We always sleep better when we are together and I need you as well.” Turning around, Natasha buried her face in his chest. “What would I  _ever_ do without you?” She whispered. “Let’s hope that you never have to find out,” he returned with a slight laugh and took her to bed. 


	2. Chapter 2

She was going to have to go through with it. She didn’t have another choice and there were no other options left for her. She gritted her teeth and tried to force her body into a response besides revulsion. 

‘Why couldn’t he have passed out?’ She asked herself, as she tried to convincingly moan in pleasure in reaction to his pawing at her body. ‘Why did _I_ have to find the _one_ politician who can hold his liquor?’ She forced her questioning thoughts aside, as she turned her face away and let him do what he wished to her body.


	3. Chapter 3

The tears streamed down Natalia’s face, as she fought her way out of the nightmare. ”Нет!” She screamed, as she struggled against her own bed, thinking that she was in the arms of the slave master. “Отпусти меня! Отпусти меня!" She wasn’t about to let herself be used again. Not be him or any other man. She was going to get herself out and never take a mission like that again. It simply was too much and she was near a breaking point. 

It was then that she remember her training in her dream, resulting in her sitting straight up in bed, now wide awake. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, the Russian struggled for calm, wishing that the nightmares would leave her so that she could move past the nightmare of a mission that had occurred the month before. She needed it be behind her, or she was going to break.

She reached for the phone with a shaking hand and waited for an answer on the other end.  ”Yasha, ty mne nuzhen,” she whispered into the phone, praying that he would be with her soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”Нет!” = "No!"  
> “Отпусти меня! Отпусти меня!" = "Let me go! Let me go!"  
> ”Yasha, ty mne nuzhen,” = "Yasha, I need you,"


	4. Chapter 4

It had started like any other mission. At least, for Natalia Romanova the Red Room operative. Being programmed with one’s mission was something that the entire team was getting used to, not that they ever had a choice in the matter. Natalia always wondered if she would lose any of her memories of Ivan when she sat in the damn chair. The uncomfortable dentist-like chair that they were forced into, if it came to that. 

The mission of the day was standard for the best of the Black Widows. Seduce and kill. That seemed simple enough, right? Wrong, the man was untouchable. This was going to take more than the standard one night stand attempt. 

Natalia sighed heavily, as she packed her bag, wishing that she could have Yasha’s mission instead of her own. Or that the night could be spent in his arms instead of with the diplomat’s son. 


	5. Chapter 5

…..The spotlight was warm on Natalia’s face, as the crowd watched her performance on the edges of their seats. However, the Prima Ballerina didn’t have time to think of that or the fact that this -her dream of dancing with the Imperial Ballet- was coming true…..

Breathing heavily, Natasha jarred herself awake and out of the false memory, as tears streaked down her face. The Russian had always wanted the ballet memories to be real, for they were almost all happy and full of love. A love for what she was doing and those she surrounded herself with.

Wiping at the tears, she gave into the desire and pulled her toe shoes out from their hiding place beneath her bed. Natasha then moved into her living room and began to dance something tragic to match her dark and heavy mood.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Laughter spilled from her grinning lips, at Clint’s words. Her partner had a way of getting under her skin and make her laugh no matter how dark her mood was or if she was triggered. 

And for the first time in countless days, she felt better, as she took another shot of vodka and pressed a kiss to the Archer’s lips. Which only caused to make the Russian laugh once more, at the sight of the look that crossed her partner’s face. 


	7. Chapter 7

The beat pulsed across the Russian’s skin, as she danced under the pulse of the strobe light. She had needed this. This night on the dance floor, just another face in a crowd of people. She loved the aninimty of it. No one cared who she was or what she did for a living and if they did, they were easily side tracked. 

However, Natasha wasn’t looking for a bed partner or on a mission looking for a mark. Not tonight. Tonight she just wanted to lose herself in the music and dance until she was close to dropping. 

A smile spread across her face, as one of her favorite songs began to play. 


	8. Chapter 8

Laughing, Natasha shoved the mic out of her face once more, as she shook her head at Clint. “No one wants to hear  _me_  sing, Archer. You’re not going to get me to sing karaoke. No matter how drunk you try to make me.” 

Clint grinned at her in return, his grin clearly saying ‘challenge accepted’. 

That night the Black Widow and Hawkeye got up on stage together to sing  _My Sharona_ by The Knack. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki decides to crawl into bed with Natasha one night

Natasha was awake the moment he appeared in the room, however, (as she was curious as to what he wanted), she remained still and pretended to be asleep.

"I know that you are awake, Natasha," Loki purred from somewhere above her head, nearly making the spy jump, having not realized that he was so close. Apparently the man moved like she did.

Rolling over, her green eyes met his in the dark. “What do you want?” She whispered, before going siff, as he crawled into bed beside her. 

"I want the nightmares to stop," came his reply from behind her, while his arm snaked around her waist and tugged her closer. "Just give me one night," he continued, still whispering. 

As Natasha moved to pull away from him so that she could kick him out, she realized that the Trickster had already fallen asleep. Sighing heavily, Natasha settled back down, thinking that it was going to a long night with little sleep. However, she was surprised when she awoke hours later, having slept better than she had slept in  _far_  too long. 

"Good morning, Trickster," she stated softly as she stretched next to him and then (to the surprise of both parties) she pressed a kiss to his cheek, before sliding out of bed. 

"Are you hungry?" She asked over her shoulder, quickly leaving the room to examine her emotions and motives for what had just happened. 


	10. Chapter 10

Natasha was laughing and grinning from ear-to-ear, not caring that she was caught in the rain with a man she was still getting used to being around and that she was still trying to pretend that she didn’t have feelings for or really cared for in any way. But, she did and that was why she was laughing and grinning. 

The Russian loved the rain and felt more free in it. “Loki,” she turned to him, face alight with her joy and laughter. “Dance with me?” She asked, holding out her hands to him. Her mood most of been contagious because, she found that the usual grumpy and closed off man was smiling as well and didn’t hesitate in taking her offered hands. However, instead of the dancing that she had been asking for, the god of mischief pulled her close and pressed his lips to her own. 

Natasha faltered for a moment, slightly surprised by this development  It wasn’t long, though, before she was wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing herself closer to deepen the kiss. 


	11. Chapter 11

Natasha shook her head, the motion nearly a frantic one, as she began to back away from her friend. “No…no…that can’t be….not  _Steve_ ….”The tears began to fall down her face when she whirled around and ran into her room to hide. 

~~~~

She felt as though the world had stopped except, at the same time, Natasha was  _all_  too aware that it was still spinning. That the world was still moving forward, while she was stuck in some strange limbo. 

How could she continue without him? And how was she going to raise this child?  _Their_  child? The one that she hadn’t even gotten to tell him about because, she had been waiting to tell him when they were face-to-face. A decision that she now truly and deeply regretted, as she lay curled up on his side of the bed., cradling her stomach and crying. She didn’t think that she could ever stop. Her heart was broken and she knew that not eve his child would be able to mend it. At least, not fully. Though, it was the only reason that she was till functioning. Still attempting to live. 

"I love you, Captain Rogers. My Solder Boy," she whispered into the dark in Russian. "Our little one will know and love you. I promise."


End file.
